How well do you listen?

When Someone Deeply Listens To You

By John Fox

When someone deeply listens to you
it is like holding out a dented cup
you've had since childhood
and watching it fill up with
cold, fresh water.
When it balances on top of the brim,
you are understood.
When it overflows and touches your skin,
you are loved.

When someone deeply listens to you
the room where you stay
starts a new life
and the place where you wrote
your first poem
begins to glow in your mind's eye.
It is as if gold has been discovered!

When someone deeply listens to you
your bare feet are on the earth
and a beloved land that seemed distant
is now at home within you.

Water me, I’ll water you.

The houseplants I do my best to keep alive day after day, repay me by the pops of color they provide and the fresh air they exude into our environment. Our relationship feels mutually beneficial.

It made me start to reflect on human relationships and which ones feel as if they suck me dry and which ones make me feel nourished and support my ability to grow.

Human “watering” comes in many different forms. Sometimes it’s a text or an email out of the blue which lets you know you’re being thought of. Sometimes it’s an invitation for a walk, a coffee date or a “you would love this” comment.

Whatever those hugs are for your soul—are you getting enough of them? Do you have the courage to ask for more of what you need? We desire connections with one another in ways sometimes we may not know because we haven’t paused long enough to take inventory on what those things are.

Here’s an invitation to reflect on not only how you are nourishing the relationships in your life, but to also gauge how watered you feel inside.

Why am I the way I am?

There are days I wonder and then there are the days it all makes so much sense. Like perfect, last-piece-of-the-puzzle-clicked-into-place kind of sense. I love a little bit of both of these and here are some reasons why.

Let’s begin with the days where you can come up with no logical answers as to how or why you ended up where you are surrounded with the life you have. Maybe you have had one of those days—where you don’t feel worthy of the job you have, the children you have procreated, or you have surprised yourself by the number of tasks you have been able to (or not) complete by the day’s end. I love ending these days by asking myself what I have done (intentionally or otherwise) to have led me to these spaces in time…

In contrast to those days, I have days where glimpses of my childhood sneak out of the memory bank and into my mental camera reel. I am able to watch a short film of my family in action, and I nod my head with a little better understanding of how I got to where I am. I see my sister and I home alone for hours on end because both of our parents were gone working multiple jobs to ensure we never did without. It then becomes easier to understand where my work ethic originated. I don’t use work as an escape from reality as much as I thrive on providing for the family I so deeply cherish and adore. (Thanks, Mom and Dad.)

When I find myself cracking jokes and lightening the mood in a room, perhaps is my Enneagram 9 taking hold and aiding me in keeping everyone in the room a bit more comfortable?? When I ask others if they want to go on a long walk or grab a coffee, is that my Love Language of quality time rearing its head?

I can’t know all of these things for certain, but what I can know is that by being curious about what makes me, me and by asking and finding out what makes up the people I love, I can more intentionally show up in situations for others and I can also show up better for myself.

So, what makes you the way you are?

Flex your question marks.

In my time working simultaneously with elementary students and adult learners, I have collected countless hours of informal, observational data.

One thing I have noticed over time is the dialogue shared by children in the primary classrooms is more frequently peppered with question marks than the conversations I share with older students and even less than the ones I share with adults. Why is that?

At some point, the bight-eyed inquisitive nature fades—is it eroded by embarrassment or shame for not knowing or understanding? Do we somehow subconsciously condition kids to ask fewer questions over time?

A clear example of watching curiosity phase out is working with adolescents. Students appear to become embarrassed by raising their hands or their apathy towards digging deeply into a topic outweighs the joy they could have for the discovery of new-found learning.

Asking the right question can unlock a new idea—solve a pervasive problem or even bring a new invention to life. As important as asking questions appears to be, they are not always welcomed at discussion tables. The chairs at those said tables get filled with egos, hidden agendas or even worse—closed minds.

This is one of my burning curiosities. How can we make more space in our conversations for the question marks we so eagerly used when we were children? In what ways could asking more questions benefit us? Our work? Our relationships?

What are your thoughts?

For further reading:

Embarrassment by Thomas Newkirk

The Advice Trap: Be Humble, Stay Curious & Change the Way You Lead Forever by Michael Bungay Stanier

What’s in a name?

Welcome to Curiosity’s Nest.  The name, to many, may not mean much, but I would like to take a moment to explain the intention of this site.  Leaning into the unknown, in my opinion, can lead us to the root of an issue, it allows us to diffuse assumptions, and it often opens a flood gate of new information. 

I love learning.  I love interacting with others. The act of being curious has afforded me a wealth of meaningful connections and relationships with so many amazing people. This is where the idea for the site initially began.  I wanted a container and a platform to showcase what the act of being curious enhances in most, if not all situations.

The nest is the container for these wonderings to grow.  A nest is comprised of so much more than just twigs.  It is an infrastructure created out of necessity, but the end goal is to construct a safe environment for nourishment and growth to occur.  My hope for this site is to serve as a collection of wonderings—big and small—an interesting place to be due to the variety of voices and intellectual contributions that will be made. I sincerely hope your voice will be one of them.

The Incredible Art of Nest Building